My Way

First of all...the old Jess is back and she has taken control. (but maybe it's not Jess at all, maybe it's Lauren?)

'I don't want you to date me (oh no), I want you to want to date me' - Pay For It - Mindless Self Indulgence

A guy, who's a geek, has asked me out. I'm undecided and probably will stay that way..but were going to the cinema next friday. He's willing to pay. :)

I shouldnt lead him on, i know...but i want to feel the feeling of admiration and infatuation. I want him to need me. I want him to want me, to like me, maybe love me...but never be able to get me.

It'l hurt him, i know. I can guess just how he'll feel, but i think i need this right now. It's been so long since someone has wanted me for something other than meaningless sex.

So maybe I'll hook up with him, maybe I'll fuck him. Steal away his virginity then drop him on his ass. No. I don't think I'm that heartless. I doubt it will go that far.

My friends, or what I have left of them will read this, think 'for fucks sake Jess' not talk to me for a while because I'm being a whore and then I'll just be on my own all over again.

But they don't understand and possibly never will, no matter how many times I try to explain it.

They don't know because they've never felt like this. They haven't been raped, they haven't been addicted to cutting, they havent been used, they dont go for days with only thinking of suicide.

Sex is a release and if he's willing to give me that, then I'll take it.

Take what you can, give nothing back.

I like having people like me and them not having me. I like being in control. I enjoy knowing that they'l always remember me, that at some point in their life, I'll be on their mind longer than an hour.

I know, I'm a selfish manipulative little bitch and I should stop know before he gets hurt and I get in too deep...but it has been way too long since I've had a good time. This could be the only chance I get for a while.

Feel free to leave messages of hatred or disgust, at the minute i really don't give a damn.

Everything hurts and I need some help. Seeing as I'm not getting any help, I'll take the next best thing...playing a few games.