Behind Blue Eyes

You don't know what it's like to be the badman, to be the sadman.
You don't know what it's like to be hated, to be fading.

I want to die again today.
I sat in the common room; alone, feeling ill. Nobody noticed me. Iwondered if people would notice if i was crying? If I began to masturbate? If I cut my wrists?
Probably not.
I'm not bothered today though.
It just makes fading away easier.

Whilst I was in hospital, I realised that I'm a Sadomasochist. Blood tests turn me on. How weird is that?
I actually found out a couple of my fetishes too. Theyre all a bit....odd.

Oh and do you know what pisses me off? Social Stigma.
It's 2009. I've said this before; If a guy wants to be gay let him. If a man showing another man sexual practices makes you feel awkward then what the fuck is wrong with you?
Big fucking deal. Get over it.
Infact, just get bummed, you might like it.

I found a book with a list of ways to kill yourself. I know how I'm going to do it. It's just finding the right time.

I'm going to let myself bleed to death. I'll use a kitchen knife. I don't know when, but it can take up to 8 hours to bleed out, so it'l be when my mum's out. Probably a friday night.

I'll shove my left arm in a tub of ice for an hour. After that hour, I'l email important people with passwords and love letters. Then I'l plunge the knife deep into my arm, my main vein. I'll drag it vertically down. It'll hurt, but it'll be good pain.

I might have a drink at the same time too, do some celebrating and that, who knows?

Just forgive me. Please.