I want to die. Again.
It's not even my periods this time.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Do you ever feel like this?
Like youre going crazy, all your thoughts just scream at you all at once, the headache comes and you can do nothing but pull on your hair and cause yourself pain to make the thoughts go away. But they never really go away. They just stop for a bit.
I can't put my shoulders down. I'm constantly tense. It's fucking nasty.
I'm so worthless and dirty.
I shouldnt have been born.
I remember a time when my mum wore nothing but black. She never went out & we talked all the time. Then she lost weight and went out more, she actually had a life; i resented her for it. She wasnt my mum anymore. She was free. I should have died when I had the chance.
The good things are never good enough for me. I'm never good enough for anybody else. I'm too negative. Bad. Dirty. Negative. Spoiled. Broken things get thrown away, so why has nobody chucked me yet?
Oh my god. It's half 2. I cant sleep. I keep crying. I just cry all the time. So pointless.
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I don't believe your worthless. You have a mother that cares for you, someone who will love you for who you are no matter what you may think. Nothing can deter her love for you - the joy of mother's oxytosin ^.^
ReplyDeletei know you must be feeling distressed, and i'd like to say i know how you feel, but everyone's experiences are different and we deal with them in different ways. I recently came into contact with my father who ran off and got engaged to another woman whe he found out my mum was pregnant with me. I'm 18 and he only just phoned to see what i sound like, who i am.
At first, i didnt want to know him, but thenm i realised he wanted to call me. wanted to know who i am. his first born child. i guess he wanted to know if i was like my mother; a manic depressive, an alcoholic, or a sorority teenager. you know? at least he cared enough to see how i turned out.
im sorry im boring you, and im probably pissing you off by saying the whole ' i know how you feel' thing. Truth is, i don't. but i understand where your coming from.
All i can say is live each day as it comes, try and keep your chin up, even for appearances. Things will get better. x