I feel lost in myself

I have an appointment on the 3rd December with my counsellor.
It's a woman.
I'm really nervous.
What if she thinks I'm disgusting?

I'm glad its fairly soon though because I realised a couple of things this weekend. Not one of them is good.

First of all, no matter how much I scrub at my skin, I don't feel clean. No matter how many times I wash my hands, I still feel revolting.

I don't breathe. Like, i hold my breath without even realising.

Sex makes me feel dirty.
It's a cycle, just like everything else in my life, and I have no control over it anymore. I need sex to feel loved, but it always makes me feel cheap and dirty and worthless.

I am worthless.

I don't even know who I am anymore, I just am. It's the same old routine.

I take tablets when I don't need to. Usually so I can sleep. Sometimes, just because.

I'll deal with my abdominal pain just so I can feel something, even though it could be killing me.

I'm not sleeping again either.
Last night, i got about 3 hours. Whilst in my mid-sleep haze, i kinda dreamt about the word geographical mobility.
If I was a psychoanalyst I'd be telling myself that I was subconsciously thinking about my dad and his stupid job. That seems to be the only explanation i could think of that would fit.

Then I dreamt about Tokio Hotel. At which point I came to the conclusion that they are my form of escapism. I exit the typical life of mine through submerging myself in the hysteria of everything TH.

Also, there is no such thing as love for anyone other than one of your parents. Some people love their mum's like me, some people love their father's, but in my opinion nobody can love both. With everybody else it's just lust or really really liking someone. Love just isnt real. It's a pyschological mechanism created by some loser, who probably felt the same as me but decided to try and be positive about it. Idiot. He's only made problems for everyone else.

December really needs to hurry up - before I lose myself entirely.