Save our selves (The Warning)

Ok, so I've been analysing myself recently.

I figured, like I've said many times before..(because really this blog is a broken record) I don't want to die.

That's why i keep blogging about my depression and the will to die instead of actually doing anything...cz I'm still hooked on somewhere..but I think the reason of me still being around is because it would be selfish of me to let go just now. Make sense?

See, I have good days and bad days & during those days, I have good and bad times. Like any person i guess...but my different points are hightened. When I'm low, I'm really low & when I'm high, I'm crazy.

There's never a happy medium. :/

That's bipolar disorder for you.

Anyway, so I've been thinking, if the part of me that cared stopped caring what other people thought, then my other side, would get what it wants.

Which unfortunately is death.

Both sides are kinda fighting for dominance at the minute. I can't decide which i want more; but i guess the happy side is winning, because I'm still here thinking about it instead of doing it.

Although I've been cutting again. I'm not sure I want to stop anymore. It's the only relief I have.

I need the people that still want me to be here (or pretend that they want me around) to stop doing so; then I can get on with doing what I need to do.

I'm not exactly alive at the minute; just existing. There's a difference between really being there and just breathing. I do nothing of use right now. I'm not important. There's no special significance to my actual person....I'm just another statistic. Another random body that doesnt actually need to be here and would make everyone's lives better by disappearing.

& obviously, people want others to be happy right? So why not let them have what they want?

Understand what I'm getting at??

Oh god. This is pathetic. I'm asking my blog for permission to stop existing. This is fucked up.

Proves my point that a part of me does still want to be here though right?

I was talking to my friend today about the horrendous weekend that I had. She said I should nag my mum to take me to docs...but I don't want to.

I mean, I do want to get better; I dont want to nag though.

I want mummy to be proud of me. & slicing myself up doesnt make her proud. Neither will getting me a pyschiatrist.

So, I might wait until she's stable before i get myself sorted out. That's pretty selfless.

I'm 16 in 20 days. I'd like to live at least that long. Yeah, I can last another 20 days.