I can't do it alone

Had an english exam today. went ok-ish. :/

Only 7 more to go :D

History tomorrow though; mega nervous..but it'l be reet.

Still not got any tablets for my issues and dont think she's taking me to the doctors either.

Means I'm going to have to go on my own because I am what I am what I am what i am; a trainwreck.

As much as I hate to admit it, I need people right now.

People that will be there for me, people with hands that are ready to catch when if i fall again. & I can't seem to find anyone that's willing to help me enough. I need caring back to my balanced self and I just can't do it alone.

God knows what I'm going to do.

I don't want sympathy. I just want help and nobody seems to understand that.

Everyone has helped so much, especially Goodman. But she isnt there for me anymore like she was & i've said so many times that it's bad of me to depend on her for everything. She has a life too & her job isnt looking after me making sure I don't take a knife to my wrist again.

Nobody deserves that job.

Maybe I should just get it over and done with?

Huh. I'm asking my blog questions now. Fucking Idiot. I'ts not going to answer back. But I'm not crazy, I'm just buying my time. Holding onto life with a tether of string, if you will.

I've stopped crying...but started cutting again.

The depression has come back. I sound like a right whiney bitch, no wonder nobody wants to hang around.

I'm a walking issue.

I'm going to be a huge fucking loner in sixth form (if i get that far) if i carry on like this.

So, i know it's my fault. I know exactly what's wrong with me, why i do it etc...i just don't know how to sort it.

I need someone that understands, that's willing to help & patient, so they will be there for as long as it takes.

Fuck it, in my next blog, I'm going to do an ad for a person.

On another note, I saw LJ yesterday. I wasted a good two year of my life infatuated with her & she knew that i liked her. I changed everything for her. literally everything.

We shared a bed, in underwear, we kissed (but never properly) we flirted, we were extremely close. I've even tasted her cum (long story).

She said one thing that hurt me, that told me i'd never have a chance. It stuck with me for ever. I'm not saying it here, it's embarrasing..but what she said cut me deep.

Then we got boyfriends (she's older than me) and we stopped being as close. She used me abit & stood me up a lot....so i stopped bothering with her. obviously, i stopped loving her. At least I thought i had, but now her bf has broke up with her she wants to see me again...(blatant usage) so I saw her yesterday.

We walked and talked, it was like old times. & she smelled good. She touched me abit too, batting ash off me cz we had a fire and i kept getting butterflies. Please don't tell me I've fallen for her again.

Pfft. See, told you life was sheissen. :p (i think that's how you spell it)