Here's my email I sent them:
Hello, my name is Lauren, I'm 16 and I need help.
I think I'm depressed and I've been struggling with self-harm since I was thirteen. At the time it was a choice to use that as a coping mechanism when I felt bad and had nobody to talk to, nowadays it is an addiction. I often have suicidal thoughts and the cutting has got more frequent. I seem to be spiralling downwards swiftly and I was hoping you could help me, before things get anymore out of hand.
Like everyone, I have both good and bad days, but my bad days are more frequent and I can be unhappy for days at a time. This is the same with feeling happy, i can be really high for days, then suddenly I will just crash and try to block out the whole world. This is affecting the people I love around me, as I am usually very tetchy and anything can set me off. Alot of the time, I feel incredibly low without actually having a reason to feel like that, or it can be something very silly such as an arguement with a sibling. I get so angry, that i know if i don't hurt myself, I will hurt them and I don't want to do that.
I am quite suicidal and have been for the past three month.
During primary school, I got bullied quite severly. I was alone in my class because nobody could stay friends with me. I went from person to person because they pitied me, until eventually they got bored and I had nobody.
I think I'm depressed and I've been struggling with self-harm since I was thirteen. At the time it was a choice to use that as a coping mechanism when I felt bad and had nobody to talk to, nowadays it is an addiction. I often have suicidal thoughts and the cutting has got more frequent. I seem to be spiralling downwards swiftly and I was hoping you could help me, before things get anymore out of hand.
Like everyone, I have both good and bad days, but my bad days are more frequent and I can be unhappy for days at a time. This is the same with feeling happy, i can be really high for days, then suddenly I will just crash and try to block out the whole world. This is affecting the people I love around me, as I am usually very tetchy and anything can set me off. Alot of the time, I feel incredibly low without actually having a reason to feel like that, or it can be something very silly such as an arguement with a sibling. I get so angry, that i know if i don't hurt myself, I will hurt them and I don't want to do that.
I am quite suicidal and have been for the past three month.
During primary school, I got bullied quite severly. I was alone in my class because nobody could stay friends with me. I went from person to person because they pitied me, until eventually they got bored and I had nobody.
Then when I was 9 or 10, my female babysitter was curious about her sexuality, we were close friends & so she 'experimented' on me. It happened a few times and I was too afraid to ever talk about it so I never told my mum, knowing her & my babysitter's parents were close friends. Plus my mum got abused at around the same age, I did not want to bring memories back for her...so i just ignored it. She stopped babysitting for me though as i made up some excuse about why i didnt want her to do it anymore.
At the age of 12, my mum & step dad split up and got divorced, this was hard on my siblings and so I had to be strong for them. I had to grow up fast and didn't really have much time to think about it. To be honest I blamed myself anyway, because I was always arguing with him, which made them argue about me. I'm such a waste of space. Not long after, my mum's new boyfriend moved in & we got on quite well. But he was occasionally violent towards her and i knew about it, but being young, I wasnt sure how to help which made me feel totally helpless.
The first time i sought release from cutting was when my mum has a miscarriage & i blamed myself. I should probably explain why; we were on holiday as a family. A random man kept texting my phone trying to get in touch with my mum because he fancied her, so i told my mum and we got in contact with him, just harmless flirting, because it was funny. The texts got a bit explicit and I was told to stop because if my mum's bf found out, he wouldnt be too happy. Because I'm stupid, I kept on texting...until my mum's bf found out. They argued for ages and the stress of it all obviously killed the fragile child inside my mother. I think if I had stopped when i was told to, nothing would have happened. Everyone was so distraught and it was unspoken about in our house. The more distant family made matters worse by pawning all the things they had bought for the child as soon as they heard the news. So, i used a pair of scissors and hurt myself. It made me feel better, I felt like i should be punished. I also wondered why I should live when the child hadnt even lived old enough for it's sex to be determined.
I didnt cut much after that, I was scared somebody would find out. But when I had bad arguements and felt stressed, I'd do it..then I began to use a razor, which worked much better and instantaneously made me feel better.
Problems with boyfriends have also made me hurt more and I'm confused about my sexuality. I have told my parents I'm bisexual, and they have accepted it...but the rest of my family arent so lenient. i'm worried I will get disowned.
When I turned 14, I met my dad for the first time in 14 year. Never before had I seen him and then suddenly I was meeting him which added more stress to my life, but things were getting better and I hadnt hurt myself for a while.
At the end of last year, I got with this guy, we were very close and he helped me to reattach myself, because since the age of 13 I had been emotionally unnattached. We had sex, and he was the first person I took all my walls down for. Not long after, we broke up because he wanted freedom. I had nobody to turn to and it was so sudden that everything began hurting. The pain from the past 4 year fell on me & i just couldnt cope...once more I turned to self harm..but it was soo much worse than before and I'd do whatever I could to hurt myself whether that be burning, cutting or punching walls. It's also in the middle if my GCSES and so exam stress is piling ontop of it. I'm having panic attacks and I'm withdrawn. Sleeping doesnt happen very often and I'm eating less. I'm losing friends because I'm tha depressed that nobody wants to be around me. I'm just fading away from the outside world.
I carved 'FAILURE into my arm, becuse that's how I feel the majority of the time. Last weekend, my dad saw it & totally flipped out. It was somebody's birthday party so we had had a bit to drink & the alcohol made things worse. he handed me a razor, sat in front of me and told me to do it. I attempted and things escalated from there. We are no longer speaking at the minute.
My mum has also seen it, and we are trying to work through it, but I know it hurts her and I don't want to do that. She is on anti-depressants and I dont want to make her life any worse. Thankfully, my mum bought me some Kalms Tablets from the chemist, to settle my anxiety and to help me sleep. They do seem to be working, but I can't stop thinking about just giving it up and ending my life, so everyone can be happy. Life would be easier if I wasnt around, but I know that's selfish and I don't particularly want to die, I'm just wanting help. I'm literally holding onto life by a string and the harming has got worse, because now my mum knows, I have to be more careful..so I've taken to doing it on my thighs. I don't seem to make anybody feel good anymore and I think I'm irreparable, but I wanted to give living one last chance My low self-esteem is even noticeable nowadays by complete strangers who have met me once...so I need to get sorted, before I do permanent damage.
Hoping you can help, if not, thanks for trying and listening anyway.
Lauren.
xxx
At the age of 12, my mum & step dad split up and got divorced, this was hard on my siblings and so I had to be strong for them. I had to grow up fast and didn't really have much time to think about it. To be honest I blamed myself anyway, because I was always arguing with him, which made them argue about me. I'm such a waste of space. Not long after, my mum's new boyfriend moved in & we got on quite well. But he was occasionally violent towards her and i knew about it, but being young, I wasnt sure how to help which made me feel totally helpless.
The first time i sought release from cutting was when my mum has a miscarriage & i blamed myself. I should probably explain why; we were on holiday as a family. A random man kept texting my phone trying to get in touch with my mum because he fancied her, so i told my mum and we got in contact with him, just harmless flirting, because it was funny. The texts got a bit explicit and I was told to stop because if my mum's bf found out, he wouldnt be too happy. Because I'm stupid, I kept on texting...until my mum's bf found out. They argued for ages and the stress of it all obviously killed the fragile child inside my mother. I think if I had stopped when i was told to, nothing would have happened. Everyone was so distraught and it was unspoken about in our house. The more distant family made matters worse by pawning all the things they had bought for the child as soon as they heard the news. So, i used a pair of scissors and hurt myself. It made me feel better, I felt like i should be punished. I also wondered why I should live when the child hadnt even lived old enough for it's sex to be determined.
I didnt cut much after that, I was scared somebody would find out. But when I had bad arguements and felt stressed, I'd do it..then I began to use a razor, which worked much better and instantaneously made me feel better.
Problems with boyfriends have also made me hurt more and I'm confused about my sexuality. I have told my parents I'm bisexual, and they have accepted it...but the rest of my family arent so lenient. i'm worried I will get disowned.
When I turned 14, I met my dad for the first time in 14 year. Never before had I seen him and then suddenly I was meeting him which added more stress to my life, but things were getting better and I hadnt hurt myself for a while.
At the end of last year, I got with this guy, we were very close and he helped me to reattach myself, because since the age of 13 I had been emotionally unnattached. We had sex, and he was the first person I took all my walls down for. Not long after, we broke up because he wanted freedom. I had nobody to turn to and it was so sudden that everything began hurting. The pain from the past 4 year fell on me & i just couldnt cope...once more I turned to self harm..but it was soo much worse than before and I'd do whatever I could to hurt myself whether that be burning, cutting or punching walls. It's also in the middle if my GCSES and so exam stress is piling ontop of it. I'm having panic attacks and I'm withdrawn. Sleeping doesnt happen very often and I'm eating less. I'm losing friends because I'm tha depressed that nobody wants to be around me. I'm just fading away from the outside world.
I carved 'FAILURE into my arm, becuse that's how I feel the majority of the time. Last weekend, my dad saw it & totally flipped out. It was somebody's birthday party so we had had a bit to drink & the alcohol made things worse. he handed me a razor, sat in front of me and told me to do it. I attempted and things escalated from there. We are no longer speaking at the minute.
My mum has also seen it, and we are trying to work through it, but I know it hurts her and I don't want to do that. She is on anti-depressants and I dont want to make her life any worse. Thankfully, my mum bought me some Kalms Tablets from the chemist, to settle my anxiety and to help me sleep. They do seem to be working, but I can't stop thinking about just giving it up and ending my life, so everyone can be happy. Life would be easier if I wasnt around, but I know that's selfish and I don't particularly want to die, I'm just wanting help. I'm literally holding onto life by a string and the harming has got worse, because now my mum knows, I have to be more careful..so I've taken to doing it on my thighs. I don't seem to make anybody feel good anymore and I think I'm irreparable, but I wanted to give living one last chance My low self-esteem is even noticeable nowadays by complete strangers who have met me once...so I need to get sorted, before I do permanent damage.
Hoping you can help, if not, thanks for trying and listening anyway.
Lauren.
xxx
They replied with such a lovely reply. It really helped me last night.
Hello Lauren
You have experienced so many different and difficult
situations in your life. It sounds as if you are a very
strong person to have dealt with so much and always thinking
about others and how it will effect them. We feel that it is
a step forward that you have shared them with us and hope
that by writing them down it has perhaps helped.
The selfharming seems to be a release to you. Do you think
that if you shared your feelings with others this would
release the need to selfharm? The relationship with your Mum
sounds good and that she cares about you.
At the end of your e-mail you mentioned that you need to get
sorted, before you do permanent damage, that sounds very
postive. Earlier you mentioned happy days, what makes you
happy?
We care about you and what is happening in your life. Keep
talking to us.
Take care
You have experienced so many different and difficult
situations in your life. It sounds as if you are a very
strong person to have dealt with so much and always thinking
about others and how it will effect them. We feel that it is
a step forward that you have shared them with us and hope
that by writing them down it has perhaps helped.
The selfharming seems to be a release to you. Do you think
that if you shared your feelings with others this would
release the need to selfharm? The relationship with your Mum
sounds good and that she cares about you.
At the end of your e-mail you mentioned that you need to get
sorted, before you do permanent damage, that sounds very
postive. Earlier you mentioned happy days, what makes you
happy?
We care about you and what is happening in your life. Keep
talking to us.
Take care
Unfortunately I relapsed again today. I've just had a generally bad day. No particular reason for cutting except I felt low...so I needed a high again and the thoughts of harming are always at the forefront of my mind. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm in real despair & today, I just liked bleeding. How sick is that. I like bleeding.
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