Calm before the storm

I got some Kalms Tablets yesterday; to help with my anxiety. I think theyre working, but that could just be psychological. Who knows?

Life seems to actually be going good. Things are getting back on track. Ben likes me, Me & Lucy are getting close again, I've stopped cutting, me and Alex are talking properly again and i have more of a social life. I'm just scared I'm going to relapse again.

Ben.

He's a really nice guy. He's also 19. He treats me with alot of respect; very gentle and caring. He actually enjoys my company, which is weird, cz i'm difficult to be around. But he keeps trying to break my walls & i don't want to let him in. I don't think anybody has managed that completely. Why should he be any different? He's just a guy that thinks I'm utterly gorgeous. He must be on drugs. Ew. He smokes. But he's willing to give it up for me. (Only when he's around me, but it's a start.) I think he wants us to go out, but I don't want that. I'm not ready to get hurt again & I know he will hurt me.

That's all people do. I actually want to be on my own. I'm even celibate at the minute. I've had requests for some no-strings-attached sex, and I've turned them down. Not something to be proud of, but I'm worried about that because i don't usually say no to good things and sex is definitely good. It lets me escape and forget about the world. My brain shuts down and It just feels good. I 'fuck the pain away' as it were. It's just not like me to say no to having someone on top of me, inside me and intimate with me all at once. (Don't be fooled, I'm not always submissive ;) )

Lucy.

She's my best friend sort of. We've been through this already. I'm utterly and irrevocably in love with her. I'm so far gone that I've been avoiding her for the past year.

Then suddenly, were both single & she waltzes back into my life & just expects me to be there. I'm like a dog on her fucking chain. Seriously, the problem is, when she calls I go running. She needs me right now & I'm there for her, but I know as soon as she finds someone new, I'll be out of the picture once more. But if i'm honest, i prefer it when she is unnatainable. Most would say that affects them more, makes them like the person more. But not me.

I know that if she's with someone her flirting is just her personality. When she tells me she needs me, she means it in a cousinly way. Because that's what everyone thinks I am; her cousin. Infact, I've been her cousin for so long, it feels wrong thinking about how I'd like to 'ravish' her. She just...enchants me. She's not very good looking and she's a little chubby...but I just love her.

Youre thinking 'wtf. how can you go from being in love with alex, to your best friend. youre only 15, you dont even knw what love is.' I knw, I've said that to myself so many times.

But I can't help; she's like a drug. i'm hooked. So cliché I know, falling for your best friend, declaring your love, saying you cant live without her. But it's true. I think I've liked her for about 4 year now. When I see her it gets worse.

Today she has invited me to a bbq. It should be good, but she makes me nervous. The only person to propely make me nervous. She also wants me to stay over. That could mean sharing a bed with her and as much as that idea turns me on, it scares me a little bit too. She's not a touchy feely person and she's fucked people in that bed. It's wrong wanting to fuck her. It's sick, I'm her best friend for god's sake. What is wrong with me??

I just wish i could be forgotten about.

I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck.