Lately

Normally, when teenagers are leaning out of their bedroom window, theyre doing something bad like smoking, or doing drugs....or something silly like that. 

But not me. Nope.

This morning, I was leant out of my bedroom window, arms in the air, spraying Antiseptic Spray on my freshly cut wrist.

Why can't I just be an average teenager...like everyone else?

Why did I have to be the one constantly making myself sick, carving new scars into my arm & having sooo many problems that just make everyone i know feels responsible for me?

I'm so fucking selfish. I'm such a bad person. I'm just stuck in a continuous cycle of self harm, guilt, denial & general shit. 

My best friend - Snowman was trying to help me understand today. She asked why i did it. & the thing is, i can't really explain. I just do it so I can keep living. But it's getting so bad that I don't want to keep living anymore. It's not fair of me to rely on everyone all the time. I should pick up my own pieces for once. I tried to explain today that I feel bad. She has her own life & she's not going to be around for me forever. I need to realise that, the sooner I do the better.

But yesterday, during PE, she told me I was obsessed with certain people (J&MH&Torrez)..and that I'm so unobtainable these days due to withdrawal...so there's no conversation & if i dont sort myself out, Im going to lose people. 

That's her way of saying 'Jess, just piss off cz ur shit'. 

Then the idea of losing more people due to my selfishness made me feel even more anxious. :/ I propa dont know what to do. :'( 

I just wish I could help myself, before I hurt myself more. 

I guess time is running out swiftly for me. 

The question is: what am i going to do about it??

Do i keep holding on....or should I just let go before it all get's worse. 

I'm not that far off rock bottom. I don't know how much more I can take. or how much more i can force onto other people.

It's so difficult covering up panic attacks. I had another today during french. :( 

It's even more difficult covering up my wrists...but i guess I've managed it for the past 3 year. To be honest, I've covered up most of my life. I've always led a double life.... guess it's finally catching up with me. 

If I'm still alive by christmas, It'll be a fucking miracle. 

That's when I'll start to say thanks to god, instead of hating him for making me this way, then abandoning me.