Hands Held High

I admit my last blog was selfish.

I'm not going to kiss Torrez, it's harsh on everyone.

I'm getting over MH too. I miss him & I love him lots still but yehh...I've accepted that were good mates. Talking to him is better than not having at all. :/

We had another arguement though last night. I told him i cut myself so he moaned on about how i promised i wouldnt but i did. Tbh, what does he expect me to do?

I was going to give up cutting, I had given up actually, just gone cold turkey..but it's so fucking hard when i feel like this. In my opinion, it's cutting or suicide.  It's so ironic or an oxymoron or whatever but harming myself keeps me alive. Why should I have to stop?

You know what else pisses me off? How cutting is looked down on soo much in this society yet smoking is allowed. They both do the same thing for people, but i think smoking is worse because that harm's people around you too. As long as you keep your cuts safe from infection, don't get too carried away and keep them away from sight, they cause no problems. So why is it seen as such a derogatory thing??

I know scars don't look good and its embarassing, but theyre a part of me. Each scar tells a story.

There's one thing you should know..I'm not suicidal. My ex got all pissed off at me when he found i'd been cutting again. he thinks im suicidal. he clearly doesnt understand the whole concept of self harm. I came across a website today....i like what it had to say. I felt like it understood me. I didnt feel alone anymore. So, im copying and pasting it into this blog, so you learn something new instead of jumping to the wrong conclusions and think i only carve up my arm for attention/death;

(It's from a site called  www.selfharmony.com)

Self Injure, why?

The reasons why people engage in the act of self injury can be grouped loosely into three categories:

As a release of existing feelings and to returning the body back to a state of equilibrium and normality. It is used to validate feelings, and as a way of easing inner turmoil, in the attempt to aid survival and avoid permanent fatality.

Another reason for self injury is to act as a way to communicate with people. This is by expressing feelings which otherwise the injurer keeps locked up inside.

The final category of reasoning behind self injury; is to act as a way to find control, or punishment to the individual.

Self Injury is often the healthiest option to someone who only knows a limited amount of coping mechanisms and is therefore using the most life-preserving choice they know. 

This would be in agreement with what self injurers say, when they state how they are unable to say what they’re feeling before or during the act, and thus use an outward expression in order to both remove this numbness, and try and make others feel the inner turmoil which they suffer.

So i thought I'd be honest with MH, i thought i'd open upto him. he's kinda become a best friend to me. and i thought : By telling someone about being a self-harmer shows strength and courage and can often be a relief to be able to let go of such a secret. I tried to stop hurting myself by telling someone who didnt agree with it that i did it...It made me feel worse. I respected his feelings, i knew it'd hurt him...but he just has no idea how much it hurt me because of the way he just abandoned me like that.' If you have decided to come out about your self-harm remember the following, it is your choice how little or how much you decided to say. You have a right to cope in which ever way you need or want to and you are free to choose to continue to self harm if that is what you want.'

I also realised that I have this:

Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety disorder otherwise known as social phobia, is a fear of social situations and interaction with others such as in group activities, busy supermarkets etc. It may also be a fear of talking to someone on the telephone.

What is social anxiety disorder?

Have you ever been standing in line at a supermarket queue, or sitting on a bus and thought that everyone is looking at you? A person with social anxiety disorder finds it hard to relax in public places such as work, college, supermarkets. They feel like everyone is watching them and judging them or even laughing at them.

When faced with going shopping, talking on the phone, or meeting strangers, some people experience the following symptoms; blushing, sweating, increased heart beat, trembling/shaking of the limbs, dry mouth and in most cases an inability to speak.

People who self harm aren't usually trying to kill themselves. Self harm is usually used to avoid suicide. Its used to survive...not to die.Self harm is an addiction...like smoking or drug. Some people can stop cold turkey and never self harm again. But other can't some people need self harm to survive. Even if they don't want to self harm they need to because it as become an addiction. Some people cut themselves for the sight of blood, and will tell you that they experience very little pain, or no pain at all. They feel release only when they are bleeding.

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding around the reasons why someone would cut himself or herself. It is often mistaken as a failed suicide attempt. This is not true. Self-harm in most cases is an active attempt to stop oneself from going further and committing suicide. 

So i do want to stop eventually, i just don't think I have the strength yet and as my dad who smokes says 'I'll stop when i'm ready.' Everything will be ok and seeing as I don't have £35 for one singular session with a counsellor, I shall just have to help myself somehow.

Good luck to me. 

xxxxx