Disenchanted

Alex; i'm really sorry. I always ruin it. I've been so emotional and anxious n shitty these past 3 week. I keep breaking down. I guess tonight was jst one of them nights. I won't get like this again..i promise. (We all know that's not true...my promises mean nothing. I probably will get like this again.)

I need to sort myself out, otherwise I'll have nobody left. I'll get through it eventually though, I always do. There's just so much I still miss; like your hugs, how safe i feel in your embrace, your soft lips as they touch mine, your fingers, steve ;)... i miss getting up early on a morning to come see you, making up after our silly arguements, those terrible bus rides i hated soo much. I miss your family too, being disturbed whilst getting kinky and planning the future with you. I just miss being in love &  knowing that you feel the same. That no matter how shit i feel, you can cheer me up.  You'll be there for me. I generally miss you.

Oh fuck, here we go again. Even when i'm not your girlfriend, i still bog you down with all my shit. Fucks sake, I wish i could just be happy. :'( I'm such a waste of space. This is why you stopped loving me; I'm so messed up. Now I'm writing an essay. 

Fuck it, i'm not sending this to you..it's embarrasing. This is just a form of closure that probably wont work. After all, you dont care, youre happy. You got yourself a pretty, sweet amazing girl. That wants exactly the same things as you. & lucky me, the one guy i think i like abit happens to be completely unobtainable bcz hes ur best mate & youre not okay with it. I stil dnt understand why. but im not going to tell you tht bcz ul get all condescending with me again & start insulting me. 

I wish i could have sex with you right now. Not for the sake of pleasure...more because sex is meant to be personal & loving. I think maybe i just hope that if youre inside me, you'l realise you love me. I'm so screwed up. why is sex the epicentre of everything for me?

J e s s says: btw, im over you.

A l e x says: erm yudzi me:(Y)

what the fuck does tht mean? i think tht means your happy right. of course you are. 

I miss you so fucking much. I just cant talk to you without remembering all the good times. But i don't want to stop talking to you, because then it hurts too much & i just stop breathing :/ 

I've been having so many panic attacks recently. I've even been having to leave lesson because theyre getting that bad & that frequent. I just don't know what to do. Though to be honest, what can I do, except live with it? Suicide is not a choice. Not yet. There's still things I want to do.

Anyway we should stay friends. You're a nice guy. & I just need to get laid......i think.