There's only one thing left

Did you realise that there was no post on the 9th?

That isn't because I was too depressed, or too guilty. It's simply because I had a good day and forgot to post.

I didn't think about the miscarriage until I saw the date, and when I did realise my unborn baby sister would be 5 this year, I accepted it...without bad feelings. I'm accepting it was fate or whatever, and that I'm not guilty for it.

I had another session yesterday with my shrink. My second.

Only 4 or 5 left.

It was the first time I said out loud to another person that my bio father gave me a razor and told me to kill myself last year.

It hurt to hear myself say it.

It hurt even more telling a lady I don't actually know all about my shitty life and stupid relationships.

Still, it was a nice session. I only cried once for about five minutes and she helped me see sense about the entire situation.

She says I should tell Mark my conditions to make our relationship work, and that I seem to act like an adult whereas he is a 14 year old boy.

This may not be his fault, it may just be the lifestyle he's got used to...but either way, he needs to sort it because I'm not asking for the entire world.

I'm asking for minimal effort really when it comes to having any kind of relationship. All I ask is:

1) I get more contact. Two calls a month would suffice.

2) He's proud of me and tells me this.

3) More time spent with just me. I want him to be interested in just me, without complaining about work or money. Everyone's life sucks, whether or not they have money. I'd prefer if he kept that to himself.

Also I need to find out how much parenting roles he actually wants. Not to mention if he does actually want to keep seeing me. Apparently, this does not make me needy either. I thought I was.

Now all this is fine and dandy.

I have no problem telling him my conditions.

What I do have problems with is the fact that he could easily shoot me down and tell me that's too much. Or worse, tell me he'll change and then shoot me down six months later, after getting my hopes up and showing me what I can be experiencing.

Another problem I have is, Linda said that I should meet him somewhere random, halfway (eg Sheffield) and well that's fine, but it means getting a train there and I'm not a big fan of trains. As you know. Also, it means spending money I don't have and possibly wasting the entire trip because there's a chance he could tell me no and if he does I will have paid and suffered pointless stress just to be rejected. Yet again.

Fuck my family.

What should I do?

He's the guy that called my mum a slag, rejected me for a second time because his fiancée is more important, handed me a razor so I could kill myself, smokes constantly, drinks a whole lot, is incredibly immature and told me to go suck cock.

He is my biological father.

I found him after 14 years and he thinks that isn't enough. That I should be doing more. I should call him. My shrink disagrees. She says I do more than enough and I need some correct attention in return. I think I believe my shrink. I think I do plenty and that I am an adult about the situation, not an immature spaz as everyone seems to believe.

I suppose with that list there it will seem to everyone that I should not be seeing him again. Everything in that list is unacceptable behaviour.

However, if any of you have ever been in a situation like this where you have some estranged family you might know how I'm feeling about it.

You might understand that I need some attention from him, that I need him to be proud of me.

You might understand how fucking torn I am over it. How one side of me wants him to love me, but the rest of me wants to kill him. How it's easier to reject him than put myself on the front line again, just waiting for the what will probably be an inevitable final rejection.

Maybe I'm just being greedy?