Can't make my own decisions

On Wednesday we saw inception at the cinema. It was pretty good.The effects were amazing.

Then we wandered around Wakefield, before coming home to bed.

That was when the dreaded 'how do you feel about all of this' conversation came up.

Well, I didn't know what the hell to say. I love her, you know.

But how do you say that without fully knowing how the other person feels. It's like, I don't want to say something that will put her off/make her feel awkward and so I had no clue.

This made me feel like an idiot because I can never just say something, I have to hesitate and really think about it and then thinking about it makes me wonder about all the consequences that could come of speaking about this.

So I said nothing.

Then she told me I didn't pay enough positive attention to her.

Well, again, I was speechless.

I like just being with her. I like just talking to her. I don't want to take things too far too fast. I want to make sure she won't regret it, won't hate me.

So I cried because I'm a major fucking spaz and can't share my feelings or talk to people in a serious manner or make any of my decisions even if they're something tiny like choosing what music to put on. All of this non-decision making makes me look really passive. Goodman bitches to me about this allllllll the fucking time. It gets pretty old and yet I still cannot seem to change it. And the thing is, I'm not passive, it's just that I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Then we kissed and a good 4 hours were spent kissing and from that I acquired 3 accidental love bites.

Obviously, they're really fucking difficult to cover up.

Still, I am not complaining. I've always avoided these, it's nice to receive them from someone so incredibly special.

So on Thursday, we went to Huddersfield. It was a really nice day doing very little.

We took some photos, mainly of me, unfortunately. They probably won't ever be shown to anyone. We got coffee too. It was pretty awful. The day went by fairly fast.

When we got back, my mum was making tea. She had spent all afternoon making tea. I barely ate anything and this pissed her off. Plus she saw my neck. Now she hates me and is not taking us to York because 'she has stuff to do'.

No, now I'm being a bitch. She really does have stuff to do and did offer to take us to Leeds instead, but I'm going there on Sunday.

Anyway, on top of hating me, she's totally screwed me over with the whole money business. See, I had 100 quid for TH merch.

I lent it to her after not spending anything in Paris.

She was supposed to be paying me back at the end of this month.

I've been waiting since fucking April to buy this merch.

Now she's paying for my driving lessons with it instead. So, I actually only have 50 quid to now spend on merch and yeah yeah, I know driving lessons are more important, but fuck, can't a girl have something material all to herself that will make her smile like Cheshire Cat?

So yeah, thanks a whole lot mum.

I could have got this merch last month had you told me you were spending my other money on lessons.

:/