Make out with her friends

Dear Friend,
Do not read this....but....


I think I'm glad you're not.

I know you didn't use me.

Infact, I used you.

You havent realised it yet, but now you will.

It's also okay. I don't like you like that.

I don't want you like that.

I don't want anybody like that, except him. After all this time, I still only want him.

I just wanted to prove to you that I can be 'wow. So fucking good' as you politely put it.

You're going to hate me because it probably seems like I did it as a friend. I did not.

Really, i did it so I could add another name to my list. Another conquest. Another person that will think about me being their first in years to come.

I did it so I could make you scream my name.

I did it so I could get off. I didn't get off though.

Still, we both got what we wanted.

You got your knowledge, I got a stronger place in your memory.

That's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever will want.

I want now. I'm just not sure what. Maybe I want to see myself hanging from the light switch, like in a Handmaid's Tale. I think that's all I'm good for; sexual experience, like the handmaids.

I actually want to see crimson liquid pooling around my body, shooting out from my wrists, my neck. I refuse to do it though. I want you to be proud of me. I want everybody to be proud of me.

I can't believe that after two months of general contentment, I feel like this now.

I don't even feel guilty for charming you into my bed.

I don't feel anything. Maybe disgust.
I'm disgusted at how much of a whore I can be. How easily I can fake it. How quickly I can swap personalities, from being smiley to making myself sick.

I like feeling nothing.
I'm becoming myself again.

I'm sorry friend, you're not going to like this transition.
You're not going to like what I'm re-turning into, one little bit.