jaded

Big deal if i wanted you to remember. I'm pyschologically fucked up. That's the way i work. After reading my entire blog, how do you not understand? I'm now going to have to fucking explain it to you.

I'm scared of never being good enough. I'm scared of living life like this, just being average. Sex is something I'm good at; I know, i've been told. It's something I can excel at and I'm worried that when I die nobody will remember me. I'll just be the girl that died. The girl that was never good enough. So I try to prove I am good enough through sex. Is it so bad to want to be remembered as a good person?

You don't need emotion for everything. Sometimes it's better without it. You already said you didn't like me like that so there won't be any feeling. It was only for you to gain some experience.

I don't deserve to know what you were going to write? Fine. You don't deserve to know that I'm sorry.

I warned you not to read it. As a friend, you should listen. As a person, you don't tell people you hate them. Especially when they feel the way I do.

I've come to realise that maybe you're just like everyone else. There for me when I'm able to tolerate, leave me on my ass when I accidentally upset you, say something you don't want to hear and just abandon me.

You don't want to be my friend aymore? Ok, if that's what you want then I get it. But don't dare compare me to other people. Lots of people didn't get raped. Did you honestly expect me to just be miraculously cured, after one appointment with my doctor? It doesnt work like that. It's going to take a lot of time; I have 6 years, maybe more of emotional damage to get through and accept. I'm not just going to snap into perfection like everybody else. You say it like it was just a guy that made me this way, but in reality it's so much more than that. If you remember, someone close to you hurt herself, but I bet you didnt tell her to get over it.

You didn't make me how I was. It was already on it's way.

Oh and fuck you, because did I or did I not say I wasn't going to do it? That's the problem with society, they expect too much. You expect too much. I havent cut myself in just over two month, and instead of being happy for me, the one time I express the want to do it again, just the desire you freak out. You think I because I havent done it in a while, that I'm okay again. Well i'm not. You should be glad you didn't know me last year when I was doing it every fucking day.

I am fighting it, if you can't see that then there's a problem.

I'm still here arent I?

You're not shit in bed. I just wasn't in the mood. You were actually pretty good and maybe If I wasn't so messed up, it would have been amazing.

I'm sorry you regret and I was that awful. I suppose I hope you'l forget it then.

You have spent the last couple of months trying to make me better, oh and what have I been for the last couple of months? Clean, and smiling. Again, you fail to see that.

Anyway, you're right. So what, I'm not your responsibility. As for it being my responsibility, who the fuck told my mum? Me. Who actually went to the doctors to get help? Me. Who went to see a shrink? Me. So incase you've not noticed, that responsibility is actually happening by myself.

Also, my cat had no idea.

Sixth form is going to be fun on monday.