write me letter, draw me a line.

Dear Mum,
I promise this will be the last depressing letter you ever recieve from me.

First and foremost; I'm sorry.

You've done a great job, you're amazing. I love you.

You're such an inspiration to me and through everything I live for, YOU are at the top of my list. You keep me holding on. You remind me that I am wanted. You remind me love is real. Without you, I wouldnt have lasted this long.

There's so much I wish I could change about myself, but It's pointless wishing. Hope does nothing. I'm going to act. I will change.
For the past 4 month,I've been living in a shell. It's been hurting everyone around me & I can see that now. I could see before, but then i tried to pretend it wasnt happening. I think now I'm ready to sort myself out. I don't want to be some crazy 16 year old. I want to be like you.

You're fun and strong and determined. You are a survivor. Hell, youre even idolized.

If I carry on like this...It'll only get worse. The past month has been awful to be honest. You dont deserve that.
I'm like a project. You've put so much hard work into me...it's about time I repaid some of it.

I hurt myself. I cant sleep. I have violent nightmares. I'm bipolar and it's making me ill....but It's only going to get worse if I don't sort it.

I have been trying so hard. I've researched. I've tried different options of distraction. I've tried everything except talking..but now you know, I think things will be okay.

I'd love to tell you that tomorrow, I'll be how I was before this mess. But we all know that's not going to happen, I wont miraculously be healed, It's going to take a while.

I have trust issues, I'm chlaustrophobic, hate to be touched and cant even love, but I promise that with a bit of time and patience, things WILL be good again. I'll be able to make you happy again.

I'd like us to be a proper family.

I do love you all but with my emotional detachment, it's difficult to show it.

I'd also like it if we could focus on the future. Like you said the past is the past - better staying that way and I think bringing things up again would only make matters worse. I want to get better now. I don't always want to be crazy. I'd like to worry about the punishment I'll recieve for staying out late and getting drunk, normal things...not whether you're gunna notice the cuts on my arm.

I want to be anaverage 16 year old...not some empty void just existing. I want to have good times and I want to share them with you. When I'm fifty I want to be able to reminisce.

So can we forget about all the things I've told you?

Like you said, I need to move on. forget the emotional baggage and dwelling on it wont make me better. I really dont want anything done about any of it. I understand she was curious and I just happened to be there at the right time. I understand the miscarriage was just a scientific screw up and that being bullied was just jealousy. I just have a hard time dealing with it all now, after running away for so long...then having exam stress added to it.

Despite wanting to just live and block out the bad times..I'd like to go to the doctors and get help. See a counsellor or something.
I know you're probably very ashamed of me right now and dont want to admit that i'm screwed up but I think going to the doctors will be a good idea. I'd like to finally talk it all out of my system and actuallly learn that I am capable of loving someone.
Staying with mark for a few days is a good idea too. It'll give us all some space and a chance to cool off.

I love you tonnes and starting now, I'm going to be a new person.
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