Asphyxiated, watch me bleed.

I tried to suffocate myself last night.

Obviously it didn't work. Damn oxygen needing reflexes.

I only wanted to do it long enough to pass out, but no even that was too much for my stupid lungs.

So guess what I did then?

Go on take a guess. I'm not going to tell you until you guess. Guess. Fine I'll tell you.

I cut myself again. A nice big angry line on my wrist, slightly underneath the other one. I've almost ran out of room. If you look at me bare-armed, you can tell I'm left handed simply because the majority of my cuts are on my right arm.

I need a letter from the doctors so I can get my goddamned shrink already. ><

It was needed though..i didn't just feel like making myself black out. See, me and mum watched The Unborn after I helped with the Tokio Hotel fanaction of course. We were having a laugh, she had some wine and we chilled out. Her bf came home, I went to bed. It was pretty late. At about 1, i heard my mum crying. Didnt check it out though...I dont like emotion.

Not long after my brother came in. Mum's bf heard him, sent him to bed. An hour or so later, mum came up to bed, said night to my brother. he told that I was still on my computer. Mum came in & said i had to turn it off. i was like ok.

Then it kicked off. My brother asked to get in with my sister. There 10 & 11. He should be old enough to sleep by himself now & my sister was already asleep. Mum told him it was okay..but i said no. Mum was insistent, so I said 'will you leave her alone? she's asleep" I didnt mean it in a bad way, just stating the obvious really cz they both kept talking to her. Anyway, i got shouted at and brother got in with her.

Then he started sniffing and wouldnt stop. It's fucking annoying. So i made him get out. He told on me again and started crying. Pussy. Mum came storming in, told me she was bloody sick of me, that I'm an evil bitch and that she's had enough. oh and I'm awful.

Anyway, the numbness came back for about a second and I just blocked myself up whilst she was shouting. Then I almost started crying and I didnt want that to happen. Crying, to me, is a vulnerability. It shows me as weak. I like to be in control of my emotions....so I tried to suffocate myself. It didn't work, I just found myself gasping for air and eating fluff. I ventured into the bathroom and found my faviourite razor. You know the rest.

But I have a party tonight and a bbq tomorrow. Both situations mean short sleeves. I am so fucked.