The Story

As you all know, I'm a Tokio Hotel fanfic addict.

Specifically the ones where someone's depressed and the other guy helps em and they fall in love & have heavenly sex.

But i find it weird and kinda charming how in all these stories i can relate at least once.

For example;

The feeling of not feeling anything was odd. I liked it. Did that even make sense? I was confused. Did I have a split personality or something?

The extremely hot shower was uncomfortable, but I needed it. I wanted to scrub away every skin cell and grow new ones. Maybe I would still feel dirty after doing that. Would I ever be clean? Was I ever clean in the first place?

The whole not being clean thing. I'm soo like that. I have like an OCD about washing my hands. & i never used to be able to feel anything. I just dunno. It's nice..but it makes me wonder how all these writers know so much about that kind of pain. Makes me feel less crazy anyway. But then it makes me feel kinda pissed off.

Why can't I be saved like that? Why can't my saviour fall in love with me & give me great sex?

Pfft. it sucks.

Yeah, I'm asking too much. I know.

But seriously, I need a person.

Someone that doesnt mind me ringing them at unreasonable times. Someone that cares for me. That genuinely wants to help, isnt bothered if i piss them off, keeps me grounded, tries to make me happy, listens, gives advice, doesnt try to understand...just accepts. Someone that wont tell me to sort myself out when theyve had enough...more importantly, someone that wont abandon me.

Just someone that will hold me close, wipe away my tears, take away my razors.

Someone that will help me.

Anyone wanna do that?

Again with the despair. I'm getting help, a counsellor and I still want to hurt myself. I'm still looking for a saviour, even though my way out is right there.

I never considered the fact that maybe I don't want to be saved.