Cut me out yeah I'll be fine

ES spoke to me on Saturday night. She came on msn and commented on my last post and it was so poetic. I miss her. Maybe I always will. Maybe she'll forever be the one that got away. I haven't gotten round to deleting any of our conversations yet. Instead, I read them over and over again, looking for places where I went wrong, where I let it die. There are so many possibilities; I'm amazed we lasted as long as we did. Not long before we broke up, she said I was 'the one'. It makes my heart fizzle to read those words. Us lesbians always rush into things and yet I was so ready. 

It was an entire Swedish conversation (on her behalf). I don't really remember what about, except it was normal. I made her laugh. It was like the courting season all over again; those long nights where I tried my damned hardest to get her to believe me, to fall in love with me, to see I was worth it. Only this time, it was a little different; there was no specific flirting or any chance of a restart. While we're still in different countries, it wont happen. I couldn't do that to her. I don't think I could do it to myself; despite wanting her so bad that it hurts. 

I want to be just her friend more than anything because that would be enough for me, yet I'm worried the same thing will happen. What if we were to fall in love all over again. What if her differences, her passion, her beauty were to compel me a second time. 

On Saturday night, I wished that we'd continue talking. I didn't want her to leave. At the same time it frustrates me that she cuts me out of her life and then talks to me when she decides she should. I miss her. 

I spent all of Sunday in bed. I didn't want to get up knowing that it'd be another day alone. Another day with the same monotonous routine.  

Another night without her sparkle.