Let me be the one to save you

I'm misanthropic again, to the point where I even hate myself.
Today, I am a defeatist.
I'm lonely and upset, despite having somewhat sexy hair. 


See, I'm having an identity crisis. I'm sick of wearing the same thing and looking so boring, so uninteresting. 


I'm invisible and I hate it. 


I want people to pay as much attention to me as I do to them; I want them to care as much; want them to be interested in what I have to say as opposed to me just soaking up their life like a sponge. 


Nobody listens and I'm disappointed. 
Disappointed in myself for never caring before and disappointed in the world for being the way it is. 


I've always wanted to play the superhero; I mutilate myself for months and then I come clean, I change. Still, I just sit on this side of the computer waiting for lost, often suicidal, confused teenage females to come wandering my way and then, I work my magic on them and they feel better for a while. They look up to me, see I can do it and feel hopeful.


Except, they're not coming my way anymore and I. Am. Clean. I want people to notice. Sitting here alone, just waiting...this isn't enough for me anymore. 


I'm sick of standing on the sidelines, watching the world pass me by. There are no perks of being a wallflower and I want it to be my time to blossom. 


I don't understand what this has to do with fashion. Maybe I just want to feel good so I'm more confident then people will pay more attention. I don't know, but I'm so straight and generic and boring. 


I want to look like a lesbian, I want to look female, attractive. I want people to notice me.

I feel like I have no identity and I want it to shine through, dazzling everyone.


ES would know what to do. She'd have the right things to say. She'd tell me I'm interesting and beautiful and all the right balance of lesbian and feminine.  


Yet she won't and I'm not. I'm just boring. Boring and invisible.