liquid confidence

All the time that I've been having sex with Ben, it's hurt me. Originally I put that down to him being the biggest I've ever had. However, the vagina is able to accommodate everything, with the right amount of lubrication, and damn, was I lubricated greatly every time. So then I started to worry and I sort of lost my sex drive a bit, thinking I was broken. When we did do it, even with added lube it still hurt. Anyway, the other day we managed perfectly fine with minimal pain; just me and him, no extra additions. I'm obviously becoming more relaxed around him.


So the sex was amazing; possibly the best I've ever had despite him not yet managing to make me orgasm first. But then we got talking about societies and my interests and how I never do anything. I suppose he doesn't really know that this is a touchy subject, a topic that has plagued me for about a year a half and he just kept pushing it, choosing things for me to do. He makes it sound so easy but it's not, thus I cried about how retarded I am and he held me and said he loved me. Anyway I figured that unless I don't do some things, I'll just be like this forever, but worse because I won't even be practising to get rid of it. I suppose it just makes me a bit angst-y too because he really has no idea how far I've come and it's never good enough.


The crying episode was embarrassing though. He must think I'm so crazy, so emotional. I should have really thought about my situation before getting with him. See, I've fallen way too hard and it's only going to render me incapable for a while if it doesn't work out. Which it won't because it never does.  I like him too much. It's only a month tomorrow. Yep, definitely too much feeling on my behalf. Plus, I'm just common rabble and his family won't like me.


I'm feeling so stressed about life right now. Work is difficult, I don't have a job, I don't have friends, I'm internally ill. I managed to make myself an appointment at the docs though, which is a perfectly good 'I'm a capable adult' thing to do. 


I want to be a capable adult.