Fade to black

I went back to school today.

My first day back and already, I'm a big ball of stress.

As soon as we got there, it was 'you have an assembly now'. Then we had to sit on the floor. I mean, teachers don't have to sit on the floor, neither do visitors, so why should we?

Anyway, the assembly was about our EPQ/AQA Bacc. The AQA bacc is where we do 100 hours of physical work stuff to get experience. Then, to go with that, we have to log it all and write a 5000 word essay on something were interested in, but it can't be biased.

Well, I'm fucked. Everything I'm interested in is either foreign or morally repulsive; both of those make for incredibly difficult research.

I've been told to do Swedish Culture, or European Culture in general.

If you can think of me an idea, please let me know.

Then I got home, and thought I should warn my mum that we have lots of uni open days coming up.

I looked through the prospectus', checking out the course I want to do and how many points I'll need to get into it. The points range from 180 - 260, which is average I guess, around 3 B's. I want to go into education with sociology.

Of course, this all worries me so because what if I don't get into any? What if they take one look and think 'fuck that'.

I'd actually die.

I wish living could be as simple as ' The Game of Life' where everyone has the same chances ranging from winning a modelling competition to living in a mansion.

We're doing suicide in Sociology. It's a little depressing.

Not the topic itself as such, no that's very intriguing. The upsetting part is the people in my class who are so fucking ignorant.

See, i go to a grammar school, and while it's not a private school, it's not far off.

The people that have been there since year 7 are very smart, and they barely work for it. I just get the feeling they haven't had much life experience, bar getting pissed every weekend.

When asked what suicide meant to us, one girl said 'selfishness' and I understand her point, I just don't agree with it.

Then another girl explained that she thought people who talk of committing suicide, or people who cut themselves are just attention seekers.

Well, fuck you.

I don't do it for attention.

I bet if we had the same discussion about alcoholics, she'd feel differently, yet theyre both so very similiar, both addictions.

I kinda want to speak up next lesson. Explain to everyone about my problems, my struggle with self-harm and my almost recovery. Tell them all my story, about how I didn't cut as a cry for help, but as a punishment and a way to deal with things much too big for my tiny shoulders to carry.

A part of me wants to do this so badly.

I want to cure their ignorance.

The other part of me, the stronger part, knows that I'm not a good public speaker especially when it comes to personal subjects. Also, me alone is not enough to cure their ridiculous perceptions and I know they wouldn't be able to deal with my story.

I'll just have to try harder.