Get down girl go ahead get down

One of my irrational fears of sleeping out is that I'll wet the bed. I don't have this kind of problem though. I haven't wet any bed since I was like 6 (and that was because I was dreaming that I was at the toilet). Yet whenever I sleep out, it worries me to the point that even if I have the slightest twinge I'll go pee. Another irrational fear, this one slightly bigger, is that I'll have the female equivalent of a wet dream and I'll wake, or worse..,my friend will wake up and notice my hand down my pants. This does happen from time to time and it would be traumatic were it to happen in public.

Have you heard the new Rihanna song? S&M. Infact, worse, have you seen the video to it? It's so sexualised and rude and no wonder young girls are growing up to be slutty with that kind of scandalous shit playing on their TVs. 


I have such a bad cold. I keep sneezing, like all the time. This is probably due to walking in the wind and rain on Friday. You see, on Friday night, Tom had a party. It was a successful evening, with a gorgeous dress and beautiful but very high shoes. I felt sexy. JD's boyfriend dropped us in town and we narrowly escaped a beating from some chavs by parking in Asda. This meant we had to walk to the place, which wasn't far, but it was fucking cold. There weren't many people in the place, but I suppose it was more intimate that way. I drank a little bit and danced some, mainly with DD and Good Man. DD brought her cousin who was a really nice guy and he thought I was cute which was a real ego-boost. He could totally dance too which was awesome. 


I can't dance. I'm terribly bad and flail like a chicken...but it was fun. Even funnier was watching Tom and F who were soooo drunk. 


The music was stereotypically dance-y and Rihanna's 'only girl in the world' came on at one point. This boy, MP, who has a girlfriend but she wasn't there, was going downstairs with the excuse that boys don't dance to this kind of music. So I slapped his chest and told him to stay. Then he grabbed my hips and started with dancing with me. It was shocking and exciting at the same time. I've never danced with anybody like that before. So, I loosely placed my arms around his neck, giving him plenty of chance to let go or leave or whatever, but he didn't. We danced like that until the song finished, except it was more grinding and I could feel his crotch pressed up against me making it more exciting. Nobody else danced like that either, just me and him.


It made me feel sexy even though I probably looked like a retard. So we were just rocking and singing and I tried to maintain eye contact and put special importance on my tongue bar but nothing happened other than the dancing. He picked me up a few times and I worried for his back, but it was fun and I kissed his cheek as I didn't want to cross any particular boundaries...but cheek kissing means 'thanks' or 'you're sweet'in most circumstances. He went downstairs after that and I felt really weird. Like smiley, but then I over-analysed the whole ordeal and couldn't stop thinking about it. He's a really nice guy and everyone was talking about it downstairs. They were all 'did you see Jess and Micheal dancing :0 '


DD's cousin left and I danced with her a lot. She even kissed me, whilst we were dancing, which was amusing as everyone from school was there. Obviously she didn't care and I've always wanted to be the girl who could confidently kiss her friends on the dance-floor. Small victories. 


We left about half 12. Had to walk back to Asda in the cold and then I went back to DD's house. We got in bed and she told me my hair smelled nice. Typical female flirting. She was nuzzling my neck and so I turned to look at her and before I knew it we were kissing. Such a strange thing to take place. I knew she was curious but...I don't know. I'm her friend. Things like that aren't really supposed to happen, particularly as there's no feeling there. Of course neither one of us thought of this while it was happening and so the kissing progressed to the point where I think I have a love-bite on my boob.

I woke up feeling dirty and cheap and like I'd betrayed someone. The 'one night stand, no-strings-attached thing' wasn't meant to happen again. I can remember every single time I've done that and I always have the same feeling about it, I always tell myself no more because honestly..what does it give me? I enjoy controlling the other person, I like the gratification from making them feel good for a while but then...I'm left feeling dirty and empty. I didn't even want sex that night.

I got up early and left. Ended up going to Leeds to see LittleMrsTom and Nina; she's lovely, but I felt shit from the night before and she reminded me a lot of ES. Typical isn't it. I do something bad, something I know she wouldn't like and then she comes back to haunt me in the shape of a pretty Norwegian girl.