have you seen reality?

It's been a while hasnt it?
Well, I have a long, meaningful post today.


This time last year I was chronically depressed and fairly suicidal. I hid myself away in my room, submerged myself in anything Tokio Hotel and spent a lot of time trying to hurt myself then cover it up. For whatever reason, call it fate, luck, human nature, I came out of the darkness.

I've come a long way since this time last year.

I'm still recovering from my shitty deal, but I am getting better and it's becoming increasingly obvious.


I was doing all I could to escape life last year. This turned me into a social cripple. I still panic. I still worry too much. I still have days where I don't want to leave my bed. I was avoiding reality and when I was asked the question 'what are you going to do about it?' I closed myself off completely for a while. 


But right now, I swear I feel infinite. 


(gold stars to the person that knows where that is from.)


In 26 days, my girlfriend is coming. I don't write much about her. It's a form of personal censorship, you see. Tonight I'll break that rule.


I remember when I was first falling in love with her and everything was so painful and confusing, but amazing. In June, (the 4th) I started to write her a letter on my blog. It read;

'Dear Miss. Swann,

I'm going to write down how I feel in this instance. These are all the things I was either too scared or never got the chance to say.

You confuse me so damn much.

You make me feel things nobody else has and I want you. I want you a lot.

I'm confused because you live far away and you're a girl. I've never liked a girl this much.

I get so excited just talking to you, I don't want to sleep.
I just want time to stop, so we can talk forever.

You have so much passion and energy, you even make me feel alive.

I realise that I'm not good enough. That I'll probably hurt you and I really don't want to, but I know there's a great chance I could.

I suppose it's whether you'd ever be willing to take that risk.

Whether I'd ever let myself take that risk.

I'm seriously falling in love with you.

To be honest, you had me at hello.

'I want someone provocative and talkative

Her bone structure screams
"Touch her! Touch her!"
And she's got the curse of curves
So with the combination of my gift with one liners
And my way
My way with words
It seems I'm too hip to keep tight lipped

We All have teeth that can bite underneath
To where the reality grows
Yeah, that's where mine go
that's where mine go'

I NEVER SENT IT.
(she'll see it now like.) (those lyrics go together with us: she's provocative, talkative, has a sexy bone structure. I want to touch her. Always. I'm good with my words and like to be bitten. It fits.)

Obviously, we both took the risk. It's the best risk I've ever taken.

I can't get her out of my head, I can't stop talking about her, I can't even focus on Tokio Hotel with the same intensity as before.

Although people say love is like wearing rose-tinted glasses, I have to disagree. That's called infatuation, and I'm not infatuated with her. I'm not a Petrarchan Lover, she isn't sat on a pedestal..I know she has faults. I just accept her faults as part of who she is. I've always been good at that.

Saying this though, she does feel like the best person in the world. I think we'll work out together very well. If we don't, there's obviously a problem with me. She's seen me at my worst, she's helped me through depression, she's kissed me first thing on a morning and seen me almost naked.

I think we're perfect together. If I was made for anyone, it was for her.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of love at such an age?

School is going pretty well. I feel I know what I'm doing.

I no longer care about Mark. Fuck him.

My friends are amazing. I've never felt as wanted as I do now.

I think this is reality.

I'm welcoming it with wide open arms.

I'm hugging and kissing and cherishing it.

Stay good for me. Please.