True Love is Suicide

You know, it hit me today.

Like a big yellow school bus.

I'm truly and honestly single.

&& I feel it.

It hurts.

It hurts more than anything else.

I don't know what to do.

I can't believe he broke up with me. It was only 10 days ago when he was telling me I was the one.

I was his first everything....but after just 3 month n 19 days 'it had run it's course'.

We had a huge arguement last night. I told him I wantd to go into a coma and never wake up. Stupid thing to say i know....but I used to be suicidal. I'm recovering now...but there'll alwaysbe a bit of me that's like that. It just keeping that side tied down & under control.

 & I love him...But I can't have him. Do you know how painful that is?

The worst thing is that he still loves me & he's trying so hard not to.

Why can't he just accept that he wants me & ask me back. I'll say yes. He knows I will.

Even if it's just seeing him. He can have all the freedom he wants, he'll hardly notice i'm there...but not like this. Not being dumped....jst a break would have been better.

I keep crying aswell. It's not like me to do this.

I just feel so empty.

& he's trying to detach. which makes me feel terrible cz i know i've done that to him.

On the upside, i'm not detaching anymore. Just a lot of crying & not really knowing what to do with myself anymore.

As soon as i put the phone down, i was howling like a beast. 

My brother asked my sister 'who'd died'...i think the answer to that question is....me. I've died.  I don't feel like myself anymore.

 All these years I've been looking for myself, then I got with MH and after a while...i properly became ME. Now she's gone. I'm just numb. Numb and wet.

But not even in the good way. I've even lost my sex drive.

 

Every part of me hurts, & every part of me knows it's over.

 I wish it wasnt.