On a night like this....

It's times like these when I miss him the most.

When everything around me is so crap, my whole body hurts & i'm scared witless by some shit horror film I watched on my own.

I wish he could just hold me safely in his arms, snuggled close enough so I can feel his heartbeating, just telling me he loves me. That I'll get through it. & he smells so good & his lips are so perfect. His whole body is just amazing, the way his breathing changes & the fact that no matter what I do, he still loves me. Even just his touch turns me on. His smile makes me smile & when he cries, god that's the worst thing ever. It's like, as soon as i see him i wana grab him, tell him how he makes me feel and just kiss him. I want the world to know, he's mine & I'm his & wer'e gunna be that way for a while....

But were not. I can't do that. He's not here.  I don't even think he loves me anymore.

I was talking to him during maths...because he stares at me. We talked like friends...actually we talked like we did when we were together. Then after maths, he walked off with his mate & there i was, on my own. It felt weird not gripping his amazing hands or being able to tell him I love him.

Everytime he walks away, it hurts me just a little bit more. But when he smiles my whole day brightens up.

I miss him.

I'm not ever going to get him back either.

There was a pic of him posted on facebook earlier...i couldn't help having a look. I even recieved pangs of jealousy that he was there, all happy n smiley, clearly not thinking about me....with those girls n his mates.

If my friends were just a tad more adventurous...I could have been there too.

You know, he's the most beautiful guy I've ever seen (disregarding Bill from TH) and I let him go because:

1) I suffocated him

2) I was boring

3) I was just an easy lay

4) I'm not special enough for him

5) All of the above.

Despite loving him so much it hurts and knowing it's unrequited...i still look at him as my best friend. I  still want to tell him everything, even pointless stuff like what i did in science & tht. 

How do I stop feeling like this without detaching myself & turning into a cyberman??

Alex; I Love You.