Thursday 6th

I’ve had a really shitty couple of days. Well i’m not sure I’ve been particularly right ever since my birthday, which is unusual because birthdays are not a bad time for me. I cant really even pinpoint an exact thing, i’m just not myself. 

On Tuesday I had PMVA training which was ok but then Kathleen got into a crash. Now we have to pay £700 for repairs and sure, she’s right, it’s not my money i don’t have to worry, i didn't crash, blah blah blah but I am worried. I’m worried how were gunna survive financially, i’m worried were going to be renting forever, i was worried about Kathleen. I woke up today feeling less worried and actually pretty good. We were gunna go to slimming world and food shopping. Mum was gunna give us a lift. But of course whenever i feel alright, something bad has to happen and again, i don't even know what it was. Maybe the mess, maybe the new job, maybe the pressure of both of these things and no money. I’m just angry all the time. I’m horrendously angry, shouty and tearful over little inconsequential things. Yesterday I cut myself and today I threw a book at Kathleen and fantasised about trashing the living room all because i needed a pen and didn't have one and Kathleen wasn't helping me find one. I am not a sane human being. 

My mum didn't take us shopping, she was pissed off at me because i wouldn't walk to meet her and so she shouted down the phone at kathleen. I then genuinely considered killing myself. Blergh, why do i do this?

I took my 200mg Sertraline and considered taking all the others but Kathleen came upstairs and I couldn't actually do the act in front of her. Then we got a taxi and went food shopping and i guess i began to feel a little better because now the thought of overdosing on sertraline makes me feel clingy and embarrassed. i wish i could remember what the different feelings feel like, even when they are not in me anymore. 

And now, because i haven't taken my tablets in like 3/4 month i’m having the worst side effects. My jaw is clenched, my head feels fuzzy, i feel sick and keep gagging, it’s how i imagine the come down after a four day bender and it is shit. Especially as i have 3 long days of work in a row. 

Just hoping it goes away before the morning.