difficult

i am numb. my whole body, there's nothing going on. my eyes dead and i cant feel anything, except my clit tingling and it wont go away despite this crippling emptiness. 

kathleen just tried to touch me and it was going ok but nobody has even been able to touch me to completion, sometimes it doesnt even work for myself because its so damn sensitive it hurts. so she did it for a bit but it wasnt really working and she did something and it hurt so i said we were done. i was hoping she would just touch herself and then we could both come and just go to sleep. this has been a pretty regular thing for us because of how my mental health has been and how tired we both are. instead she became sad and turned around and i tried to touch her to keep it going but she just continued to be sad saying that she couldnt do it and she was rubbish and i never want to have sex with her and i always want her out of the room. i told her it's because im embarrassed. it's really fucking embarrassing having to wank every night even when im exhausted because as always my vagina just does what it wants regardless of how i feel. i'm ashamed. then she felt bad because she said that and i was visibly upset and i trying to tell her it doesnt matter but she doesnt believe me, she knows its not true because my voice is dead and my eyes are spaced out. 

all i want is to be fucked and to feel intimate and together but it doesnt happen like that because its not the right time or were too tired or my tablets mean i cant orgasm or it hurts and its all my fault and i just hate my stupid body. 

now i am sad and empty and kathleen feels guilty and it's never going to get better. 

she is doing all she can to make me feel better. weve had a cigarette and a cup of tea and were going to watch something and all this will distract me and hopefully my vagina until we go upstairs into bed and then it all comes back. 

if i just didnt have a vagina this would be easier. i just want to stab myself in the chest because apart from feeling empty and tingly, it hurts me in my chest.