The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage

Told my mum i was having panic attacks the other day. She thinks it's her fault. Was going to tell her that i cut myself too...but I'm scared of the outcome. I dont want to be taken away. I dont want monthly check ups. I just want to be happy & I want to make my mum proud. No, I need to make them proud. But it's so fucking difficult.

Anyway, so i told her. She gave me a hug, told me it would be okay. Then text me saying something cute. I've been doing so much crying recently. & the attacks are getting worse. I had two on friday.

I showed Snowman my arm. She looked distraught. But it is really that bad; she had all the right to be pissed off. 

Panic attacks are one of the worst sensations ever. It starts off with deep breathing. that speeds up & i feel like i cant breathe. Heart beat is racing, pulse is throbbing. I get the worst pins & needles and my throat goes really dry. I gasp for breath, but i cant stop. Headache kicks in & i get really dizzy. I begin to shake. Sometimes, they last for a while. Make me feel so shitty. I just want them to stop.

MH has been nice to me recently. We get on really well again. We flirt. Openly talk about sex...and there's lots of physical contact & hugs. It's alll good.

I invited him to mine yesterday. But he didnt come because he knew we'd probably end up having sex and then we'd get back together & he doesnt want that. Of course, I asked why not. His answer was because our break up was a huge mess. So he's not getting back with me because the break up was a mess. I told him all break ups were bad, the second one is never as terrible. He replied with 'I'd always remember you promising not to self harm'. so i told him id stopped. I'm such a liar. But he's proud of me because he thinks i havent done it in a month. But i do realllllllllllllllllly want him back...so maybe this will keep my mind off it for a while. Until i propely get over him. Or just cant take the pain anymore. Either/or.

It pisses me off how he controls my mood though. He's still the one that makes me feel better. 

I might suggest a bit of no-strings-attached sex. Reel him in & then declare my love whilst he climaxes. I go on the pill soon...so sex without a condom shall be enjoyed greatly. Ok, not one of my best ideas; but then were both getting some relief and we know how each other's body works. It will be nice. 

I'm babysitting tonight, apparently i have to entertain my brother. I swear to god, im not a fucking childminder. I want some time to myself every now & then.

Gaahhh!!

I'm feeling more confident about myself today though.