back again

I havent blogged in over a year and actually, I'm really feeling it. Like, I miss blogging. I miss having that time to myself to process my intense feelings, that for the past 2 years (or more) have run riot. I'm hoping that by writing today (when I've had a really bad couple of days) I'll get back into the swing of doing it pretty regular. 

Anyway, I bet you're wondering why today. Why, after a year of silence have I come back to this faithful old blog that has followed me since I was 15. Well dear reader, it's because I'm having the same problems as I was then. 

I'm having counselling again and today, my initial sexual assault experience came back into my thoughts and we discussed it. It's something that I've tried to forget or ignore ever since it happened. Even when it happened it didn't really hit me for maybe a year or two. 

I think I've never really touched on it properly because in my head, it's just fragments. An image here. A few words there. A sharp painful touch. It's not a cohesive video and I don't even remember how old I was, where my mum was, what happened in between those long nights. 

My counsellor says this is because it is trauma and my brain doesn't have a place to put it. I guess that makes sense. It also validates me because ever since it happened, I thought I was to blame. 

I'm not going to bore you with the details but this did really happen to me and it still makes me sad and confused. I just have to make peace with the fact that it happened and it is not my fault. I am done making excuses. What she did was wrong and it has damaged me in more ways than anyone realises.