Disasterpiece

So.......

I'm on suicide watch. Kathleen literally will not leave me alone if i appear at all sad or pissed off and i totally understand but also, it's not great. For either of us. 

And it's just because I misjudged a situation last monday and tried to overdose on all the tablets i could find around the house. I was going to start off with the fluoxetine, then the sertraline, then the citalopram and finally the propranolol because i know that they do the most damage. I didn't really get very far. I literally took 6 tablets before Kathleen came in and made me stop. It was so stupid and easily the most ridiculous thing i've ever done; i'm too embarrassed to even say why i did it because of how fucking insignificant it is but yeah, that's just my fucking head. it tells me to kill myself over tiny stupid things that aren't an issue and everything is twisted and fucked and i know it's insignificant but it doesn't make me want to not kill myself again. 

in fact it is fucking embarrassing but here goes... we were going to go to oakwell hall for a walk and then we couldnt find any fucking bank card and so kathleen got ridiculously upset, like hysterically crying and oh god it wouldnt stop and all i could hear was noise and to be honest, i wanted to hit her or something but i didn't because that would be bad. So she went upstairs to cry some more and i could still hear her and i was just waiting for her to come down. She didn't and so i tried to cut myself with the kitchen knife but surprisingly they're not very good at that. Then she came down and started telling me I was selfish and I didn't care about her and I'm not nice. These are all things I tell myself when I feel bad and so to have her say it out loud to me made me feel bad. So i told her to ring her mum, i took a can of red bull and some crisps and i found the pills. Then i wrote a suicide note. Then I began to take the tablets. I was on my 6th tablet when Kathleen came in and it's all quite a blur from then on. I didn't go to hospital. i was just a bit sick and then Kathleen took me to my mums. I don't really want to say anymore about it.


on Tuesday i met with Beth, went out for dinner, felt generally well. like the day before hadn't even happened, like it was all just a big dream or a movie i'd watched. 

On Wednesday, literally a day after I tried to kill myself, I went back to work. I was not having a good day and I didn't want to be there but had to be because I had my probation meeting. I'd already told my boss i was taking thursday off because of some personal issues but that i'd be back for saturday regardless of whether i was better or not. I decided to tell them in my meeting that i was taking thursday off and they were awful to me. They slaughtered me. They slaughtered me, made me wait outside for ten minutes while they decided my fate and then they extended my probation and sent me home. 

i've never cried as much as i did those three days. 

Since then i've seen my care co-ordinator which wasn't particularly helpful. He still hasn't given me a diagnosis. I've been given two weeks off work on sick for 'depression' and Kathleen missed some exams because of my behaviour and so she was given mitigating circumstances for my 'severe mental breakdown'. I've just been at home or at my mums or with Kathleen at uni. I feel bad because she did not sign up for this and she is having a difficult time herself. She wants to live in a fucking van and i don't want to live at all. 

I tried to kill myself and still nobody is taking me seriously. 

my family treat me the same and work weren't good so i quit and got a new job which i'm so terrified of going to because of all the what ifs. What if i'm not good enough? What if I need more time off sick? What if i kill myself? 

I know it is a passing feeling and quite a fleeting idea but it does not make it any less potent at the time. 

it is there now, like a beehive in my head, making it heavy and fuzzy and everything feels distant but close, heavy but not real and i can't make it go away and i don't know how to make it less 

and i have to wait 9 months for therapy.