not a great day today although i really tried to have one. 
Over the past three days i've worked 37.5 hours and yesterday i came on my period and to be honest i'm exhausted, physically and mentally. So today, K started work and I got to have the day to myself. God I was so excited. All the things I was going to do that i didnt usually get chance to; masturbate, play on the xbox, binge watch programs i like, cook myself something quick and easy, lay in bed until midday. 

I didn't do half of those things though because of cramps and i'd agreed to meet my mum at 12.30 so that took up a chunk of my day. Anyway it was decent and i was looking forward to seeing K and hearing about her first day that weve waited so bloody long for. We'd planned to go to the gym too so that was potentially something to look forward to. But oh no, K was mean as soon as she came home. apparently i don't pay enough attention to her. i havent emptied the litter tray. i havent washed up. i havent booked the gym. i'm not good enough. then it was ok again and off we went to zumba even though i felt sick, had cramps and was anxious. 

We got there early, went to sit and wait. I became more anxious because i hate group sports. then we started zumba and k tried to kiss me which i didnt think was appropriate so i rebuffed her. zumba actually wasnt that bad, i'm not great at it but i felt reasonably ok after it. then we went for a swim and i thought yay this will be great, look at us exercising for extended periods of time in public, but nope, yet again K was pissed at me because i didnt kiss her and because she didnt like the zumba. 

then we came home and she offered to wash up whilst i cooked so i agreed but there were no pans for me to cook with so i said . i cant do it and she got annoyed at me again saying i dont do anything even though i'm so fucking exhausted and my body hurts so much. then she was nice to me and so i suggested we go to the shop to get more veg and then she was mean again because i asked her to put the carrots in the steamer whilst i put my top on and she didnt want to. I carried on cutting the veg but she carried on being mean and so now i'm in bed and i've cut myself just to feel something.

i'm so fed up i literally do not want to be here anymore. 

what's the point when everything ends up shit.