Heaven help us

I'm not doing good.

I've stopped smoking and I've started eating healthy, so physically I feel better I guess (minus the recurrent headaches), but my head is not good. I just can't shake this feeling; it feels like an endless supply of bees in my head buzzing around, reminding me that I'm not good enough and that I'm not worth it. 

I don't even know what I'm not good enough for, I just know I'm not. 

What is wrong with me?

I've been feeling bad all day I guess and then I walked home across the river and the whole time I was imagining springing myself off the bridge into the muddy floody waters below. That's never happened before. Those feelings have never been that forward in my mind. 

Then I had a shower and felt mildly better so I thought I'd call my K as I've barely heard from her apart from one text which I replied to and she did not. I was worried about her considering the whole mitigating circumstances thing so thought I'd give her a ring, tell her I think I'm ok now and that I miss her terribly. This did not happen because she's high with her friend and I felt like I was taking up all her time with my bullshit. Then I felt like I had nobody apart from her and that makes me sad. Where are all my friends? Why does nobody want to get high with me?

It's cos I'm such a boring fucking idiot. 

Now I've ruined her night anyway because now she's worried about me. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

I just don't feel good.