Pick me off the ground‏

My AS resit/ A level results came the other week. I got an A in english language resit, an A and an E in general studies (combining into a C), a B in Sociology, a C in sociology resit and a C in literature resit. I'm resitting sociology yet again. I hate resits. They make me feel like a failure. What if I don't get Bs? I wish I could accept failing and not want to kill myself everytime it happens.

I wish there was like a spirit of jazz for writing. Maybe the phantom of literature. The fairy of fiction. He could come inside me any time. I'm sick of being unable to write. It's so bad, that I can't even do coursework nowadays. I don't want to be here anymore.

I started the diet. I lost 4 pound in two week (pile of shit) then I gave up. Now I'm doing situps every day as a healthy form of self mutilation.
I'm not sleeping. I can get to sleep. I probably look asleep but I don't feel asleep and this happens for most of the night. I'm just aware that I'm awake. Not only this but I'm waking up at strange times. What's wrong with me now?

There's so much coursework for me to do. I can't do any of it. I'm sick of being awake.

My 'Grandma' Delia died last week. I didn't really know her so it's no big deal. I saw my nanna though for the first time in about a year. She's not herself. She has no dignity. She can barely speak. She can't stand. She doesn't know who I am. I wanted to tell her all about university and A levels and Mariana but I couldn't look at her. She was a bedraggled mess.

I babysat for my mum last thursday. She didn't come home until 6 in the morning. Notorious strumpet!

There's a void in my soul. I'm constantly aware of it, but not sure how to fill it. I've stopped feeling again and I can speak to my friends, I can laugh, I can listen but nothing really goes in and I don't feel anything. It's just become automatic and I'm distant. I'm still having an identity crisis. I'm not attractive. I'm not healthy.

I'm sick of wanting to kill myself.